Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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