My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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