The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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