mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
