"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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