I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
