She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
