Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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