he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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