So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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