i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
