Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize