i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
