I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
