he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
