Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
