I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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