My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize