i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
