Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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