Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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