i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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