do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
