Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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