there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
