when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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