Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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