I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
