Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
