I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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