I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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