if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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