he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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