New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
