guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
