My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
