Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is it penis luge time yet?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
These tits shall not be calmed
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
