I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
