Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
