It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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