you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
