im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
