we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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