The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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