the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
