Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
