I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
