I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
