You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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