Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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