mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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