I am puke
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have already put on my inside pants.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
