yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
