Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found puke in my bra..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize