I will die if light touches me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
